Not Forgotten

I’ve been working on something light, and so wanted this to be that, but I think the lightness right now is stuck under a layer of heaviness. It’s not quite as simple as saying I miss my dad. I think it’s more the day-to-day reality that he’s not around anymore, and really feeling it. I’ve been seeing his face—not the alive face, the smiling, cheerful one—but the soft, still face I saw when I kissed him goodbye in my last earthly farewell at the funeral home. Peaceful. Content. Comfortable. But gone.

Last night at dinner, the boys ran through the names of relatives and took turns quizzing each other about their love for them.

“Do you love Aunt Pre?”
“Yes.”
“Do you love Uncle Scott?”
“Yes.” 
“Do you love Grandma Red Car?”
“Yes.
“Do you love Daddad?”
“Yes. Even though he’s dead.”

Blunt, to the point, and true.

I excused myself to the bathroom where I could shed some tears alone on the toilet and really feel the feeling of missing him, not just plowing through it. To sit with the sadness of what life feels like without him. He won’t join us for another dinner around the table. He isn’t here to experience another sunny Northwest Spring day. But I’m thankful that his memory is still fresh, that he is included on the list of relatives we love and that the answer was “yes.”

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6 thoughts on “Not Forgotten

  1. Grief floats up in chuncks. I don’t think we are supposed to be “okay” with it when we love someone so much. You are, for lack of a better term, feeling normal. Huck left a huge void. For many. Be good to yourself. And be proud of your ability to express your heart. Love you.

  2. so, I rub my fingers on a hand, trying to feel something different than the void…. it doesn’t work…

  3. Celebrate him in with every emotion. He is your dad and you love him. See him in your children. Feel him through your family. Know that you are loved as much as you love him. XO Wish I was near to give you a big hug!!

  4. Dearest Kira,
    The pain of missing your Dad never goes away (at least for me it hasn’t) but our Lord and Savior softens the pain. For me He has helped me to dwell on all the memories of my Mom and Dad. Those beautiful memories that can never be taken away from me. Writing about them has helped me. I hope it helps you.
    Love, Cindy

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